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September/ October 1999 - Volume 2 - Issue 7

What To Do If Your Child Is Teased Or Bullied

By Michele Borba, Ed.D.
Adapted from her book, "Parents Do Make a Difference! How to Raise Kids with Solid Character, Strong Minds and Caring Hearts"

Some of the toughest problems parents must deal with happen right on the school play ground where teasing, bullying and mean-spirited kids abound. There seems to be and epidemic of mean-acting kids these days. In fact, the National Education Association estimates that 160,000 children skip school every day because they fear being attacked or intimidated by other students. While we can't prevent the pain insults can cause, we can lessen our kid's chance of becoming victims. In my new book, Parents Do Make A Difference: How to Raise Kids with Solid Character, Strong Minds, and Caring Hearts, I tell parents the best thing to do is teach our kids how to deal with their tormentors. Doing so will show them there are ways to resolve conflicts without losing face or resorting to violence and will boost their confidence. So the next time your child is upset from teasing, here are a few ideas I suggest you do:

1.   Listen and gather facts.The first step is often the hardest for parents: listen to your child's whole story without interrupting. Your goal is to try to figure out what happened, who was involved, where and when the teasing took place, and why your child was teased. Unfortunately, teasing is a part of growing up, but some kids seem to get more than their fair share of insults. If your child appears to be in no immediate danger, keep listening to find out how she reacts to the bullying. By knowing what reaction didn't stop the bully, you can offer you child a more effective option.

2. Teach a bully-proofing strategy. What may work with one child may not with another., so it's best to discuss a range of options and then choose the one or two your child feels most comfortable with.

  • Assert yourself. Teach your child to face the bully by standing tall and using a strong voice. Your child should name the bullying behavior and tell the aggressor to stop: "That's teasing. Stop it" or "Stop making fun of me. It's mean."
  • Question the response. Ann Bishop, who teaches violence prevention cirriculums, tells her students to respond to an insult with a nondefensive question: "Why would you say that?" or "Why would you want to tell me I am dumb (or fat) and hurt my feelings?"
  • Use "I want." Communication experts suggest teaching your child to address the bully beginning with the "I want" and say firmly what he wants changed, "I want you to leave me alone." or "I want you to stop teasing me."
  • Agree with the teaser. Consider helping your child create a statement agreeing with her teaser. Teaser: "Your dumb." Child:"Yeah, but I'm good at it." or Teaser: "Hey, four eyes." Child: "You're right, my eyesight is poor."
  • Ignore it. Bullies love it when their teasing upset their victims, so help your child find a way to not let his tormentor get to him. A group of fifth graders told me ways they ignore their teasers: "Pretend they're invisible," "Walk away without looking at them," "Quickly look at something else and laugh," and "Look completely uninterested."
  • Make fun of the teasing. Fred Frankel, author of Good Friends Are Hard to Find, suggests victims answer every tease with a reply, but not tease back. The teasing often stops, Frankel says, because the child lets the tormentor ,now he's not going to let the teasing get to him (even if it does). Suppose the teaser says, "You're stupid." The child says a rehearsed comeback such as: "Really?" Other comebacks could be: "So?," "You don't say," "And your point is?," or "Thanks for telling me."

3.    Rehearse the strategy with your child. Once you choose a technique, rehearse it together so your child is comfortable trying it. The trick is for your child to deliver it assuredly to the bully - and that takes practice. Explain that though he has the right to feel angry, it's not okay to let it get out of control. Besides, anger just fuels the bully. Try teaching your child the CALM approach to defueling the tormentor.

  • C - Cool Down - When you confront the bully, stay calm and always in control. Don't let him think he's getting to you. If you need to calm down, count to twenty slowly inside your head or say to yourself, "Chill out!" And most importantly, tell your child to always get help whenever there is a chance she might be injured.
  • A - Assert yourself - Try the strategy with the bully just like you practiced.
  • L - Look at the teaser straight in the eye. Appear confident, hold your head hight and stand tall.
  • M - Mean it! Use a firm, strong voice. Say what you feel, but don't be insulting, threatening or tease back.

Final Thoughts

Like it or not, most kids are bound to encounter children who are deliberately mean. By teaching kids effective ways to respond to verbal abuse, we can reduce their chances of being victims as well as helping them learn how to cope more successfully with future adversities. Of course, no child should ever have to deal with ongoing teasing, meanness and harassment. It's up to adults and kids alike to take an active stand against bullying and stress that cruelty is always unacceptable.

Common Mistakes Parents Make About Bulling

  • Not taking children's bullying complaints seriously - your child could be hurt. If there's ever the possibility of injury do step in.
  • Telling the child: "Just tell him to stop." Bullies rarely just go away, kids need to learn ways to deal with them to stop their abuse.
  • Advising kids to hit back. Aggression amongst kids can escalate quickly over very minor issues, and too many kids ate every grade level are carrying weapons.

Parents Do Make A Difference! How to Raise Kids with Solid Character, Strong Minds and Caring Hearts by Michele Borba, Ed.D. Dan Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1999. 1-800-956-7739 ISBN 0-7879-4605-2 to order, or purchase from your local bookstore. Reprinted by permission from .

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